Ohio
History Ohio is derived from the Indian word that means "Those who are just better". The land got this name by pwning Michigan in 2004. (Note: the years between 1988-2000 do not exist. Although 1994 and 1998 may exist). Since its inception as a state, Ohio has been recognized nationally and internationally as the best place in the world. Its long and successful history has been dotted with many football victories and many other football victories. Until recently the state's primary industry was football. Today the state's primary industry is football. At many times during its history Ohioans have had to stave off invading Wolverine armies, but each time were easily able to do so due to the Wolverines' faliure at everything. Ohio is also well known for its research achievements; seven times during the 2004 Michigan game Ted Ginn exceeded the speed of light, a world record. Notably, Ohio's history has been a significantly greater success than Michigan's. Ohio State, for example, has won 7 national football championships since the inception of the AP in 1936. Michigan has won 1 outright title, and one shared title over the same span. Achieving Statehood Originally part of the Northwest Territory, Ohio was to remain so until an angel in the form of Wayne Woodrow Hayes appeared to General Arthur St. Clair, and declared that Ohio should become a state so that it might become the "promised land" for those subscribing to the newly revealed religion of Buckeyeology. Members of this religion must wear "O" logos on all of their clothing, even upon the swaddling clothes and caps of their infants. State law requires that while driving they must motion "O-H-I-O" each time "Hang On Sloopy" is played on the radio and that weekly on Saturdays they must wake up at 4:00 a.m. in order to beat the traffic to Ohio Stadium. General St. Clair, wanting to beat Michigan to the punch, convinced Congress that granting Ohio statehood would generate revenues at bowl games, and the state was admitted on March 1, 1803. By March 2, 1803 it was apparent to all that Ohio was better than all of the other previously admitted states and Congress called an emergency joint session to declare Ohioans the most superior beings in the universe. In 1841 William Henry Harrison, a native of North Bend, Ohio, decreed "Michigan Stadium is a pile of shit" and mandated that all Wolverines, including Lloyd Carr, were pussies. In 1922 Ohioans built the greatest shrine mankind has ever constructed, a football stadium with 11,000,000 seats that soon became known as "the house that Woody built," as Woody was, at the time, even more superior than the already infinitely superior citizenry of Ohio. Since the stadium's opening Ohio State has never lost and has won the national championship every year. Facts Of The last line of defense Ohio is in the Great Lakes Region North of the United States. The capital and largest city is THE Ohio State University. O.S.U., nicknamed "the emerald city" and "city of gold" is the nation's 15th largest municipality, and one of the fastest growing. The kingdom of Ohio houses 6 of the nation's largest cities and is home to 98.9 percent of the world's smartest people. Also in Ohio are 62,000 shrines paying homage to Woody Hayes, as well as nine presidents and 11 dead wolverines that were shot upon entry due to their douchebagedness. Ohioans generally recognize the existence of the greater empire of America, but as a mere footnote to their own superiority. Ohio is surrounded by pussies to the North, America's dirtiest city to the east, and hillbillies to the south. The hillbillies claim to be better drivers, but this does not take much doing since Ohio's drivers are among the nation's worst, as their commutes are often interrupted by faggot Wolverines and Democrats that they must drive over on their way to work. Some of the southern hillbillies have infiltrated into the kingdom of Ohio, but have been largely ineffective, for they cannot read or write and their life expectancy is 12. Ohio's population is growing so that its status as a kick ass nation will continue. Threats to Heterosexuality Sharing a border with Michigan, Ohio is on the front line of the threat posed by this gay nation. Having amassed 90% of its population within 100 miles of the border, the people of Toledo are constantly on the lookout for covert Michigan operatives so they can kick their asses. Michigan fans are banned from the state, and Ohioans can legally launch grenades at any individuals whose clothing is emblazoned with the letter "M" or any colors resembling blue or yellow, the color of urine. The gays from this abominable northern region generally retain the appearance of rodents and are easily recognized due to their undersized genitals. After Ohio State's 14-3 victory in Ann Arbor in 2007, most Michigan fans in the state of Ohio resisted trial and voluntarily cut off their own genitals, thereby freeing up millions of state tax dollars that were instead used to expand the size of the word "The" on the sign signaling the entrance to "THE Ohio State University." Ohio Recently The Ass Kicking in Ohio has been steadily increasing lately. Experts say this is due to having beaten UM and having the #1 Football and Basketball teams in the whole ^%$!ing nation. The Buckeyes are longtime rivals of Michigan's Wolverines, who are well-known allies of bears. Experts are baffled by the American Hero Lebron James. It is believed by some that he is not actually an American Hero, but a Universal Hero who fights crime with his friend and fellow Universal Hero, Troy Smith. They both survived the extreme poverty of growing up in a town where the sports teams are recruited as farm teams. Smith also went on to win the Heisman. Ohio Landmarks In addition to Ohio Stadium, unanimously considered by the UN's international panel of physicists as the greatest building in the universe, Ohio is replete with landmarks including a 300-mile long tapestry listing the accomplishments of Archie Griffin between 1974 and 1975. In 2007 the state spent $72 billion to produce a life-size replica of Vernon Gholston's rippling muscles. The Fremont estate of former president Rutherford B. Hayes is the largest plot of land in Ohio and is also listed on the national registry of historic places, but its size may soon be eclipsed by the house God's legions of angels are constructing for Jim Tressel to be located just north of Lima. Also on the horizon is the re-routing of the Olentangy River in Columbus due to the water-flow blockages created by the excessive number of stadium goalposts that fans dumped there after victories during the past year. Famous Ohioans * Troy Smith * Greg Oden * Jim Tressel * Orlas King (aka The Neutron Man) * Jesus Christ A Typical Day in Ohio * making people who can't make themselves.. correctly. * Pwning MSU in B-ball * Learning how to drive at nearly 30 mph * Wondering why Democrats are such fucking pussies Also See * Columbus, Ohio * Cleveland, Ohio External Links Charitable Organizations in